Elizabeth Although I had come to the awareness that my relationship with Cheryl had been abusive, I didn’t register “violence in dating relationships” as having anything to do with me. It wasn’t until two friends who know my story asked me about making a contribution to a book on dating violence that I realized the description “dating violence” applied to my relationship with Cheryl as much as it applied to any heterosexual couple. Cheryl and I met playing softball in junior high and continued to play on the same teams throughout high school. We became close and flirted a lot, but nothing sexual happened for about a year. Although she did little things that made me uncomfortable, I tried not to think about them. She criticized me a lot – how I acted, what I wore, how I looked, and what I ate. She would make fun of me and make fun of my friends. Cheryl and I became sexually involved when we were away at a national softball tournament. I was fifteen going on sixteen. I woke up the next morning with a sick feeling in my stomach and felt like jumping off the fire escape. It wasn’t about being a lesbian; although I hadn’t quite come to terms with that, it felt natural. But I felt sick about getting myself into something I couldn’t get out of, something I knew wasn’t good for me. I was mixed up; I think I wanted to be taken care of by someone. Although I hated how controlling she was, I mistook that for caring – someone who was really interested in me. In addition, I wanted a relationship with a woman, and this was the only possibility I knew of. I became more and more confused, but I thought this was the way relationships were supposed to be. I thought this was normal. Cheryl didn’t define herself as a lesbian, and she often put me down because I did. I tried to change her, to win her. I enjoyed the challenge, but I also ended up feeling extremely inadequate because I was a lesbian. I wasn’t a man, and I wasn’t good enough as a woman. She would criticize me and insist that I wear makeup and go out with guys. Then, when I did date a guy, she became enraged. She didn’t want me to see anyone but her. She would call me at my friends’ houses asking me why I was there and telling me she needed to see me. My friends thought this was strange. They told me they didn’t like her and couldn’t understand why I put up with her. I couldn’t tell them it was because I was in love with her and we were lovers. Somehow I thought being in a relationship made it alright. I didn’t see it as abusive, and I thought that if they knew we were in love, they would understand. When I decided that I wanted to break up with her, she threatened to kill herself. One time she even attempted to cut her wrists. I felt responsible, so I backed down. Other times when I talked about breaking up, she stood out in the middle of the street and yelled at me, threatening to bring me “out,” took my things, or locked me out of my house. I felt crazy. It was so hard to be clear. The situation got crazier with time. Toward the end, she got more and more abusive. There was more screaming and yelling, more verbal abuse, and several suicide threats. It affected everything – throughout high school I was drinking, abusing drugs, and getting bad grades. At eighteen, Elizabeth finally broke up with Cheryl, and it was the hardest thing she ever did. At the age of twenty, Elizabeth went away to college and began dating guys. Still struggling with her sexual identity, Elizabeth only hopes that one day Cheryl will give her an apology for her abusive behavior and let Elizabeth know that she is “good enough.”   Levy, Barrie , ed. Dating Violence: Young Women in Danger. Seal Press, Seattle: 1991.