What are BLUE CARD QUESTIONS?
JVS Kohn Internship Program, July, 2005
How do you approach/help a friend who you think might be in an abusive relationship?
Approaching a friend you think may be in an abusive relationship can feel like one of the hardest things you have ever had to do. However, if you think that your friend is in danger of being hurt (emotionally or physically), it is important to let him or her know how you feel. Speak to your friend when the two of you are alone. Let your friend know your feelings and that you have their best interests in mind. Let them know that you are there to listen, and it takes a lot of courage to share something so personal and something so often seen as taboo. Allow them time to share how they feel about what you said and about their relationship. Allow your friend to trust you, and emphasize to them that it is not their fault. Believe your friend. Despite what he or she says, be supportive. Be aware of your friend’s safety. Do not make decisions for your friend; instead, help them come to their own decisions with your guidance and support for whatever decision is made, even if your friend decides to stay in what appears to be an unhealthy relationship. If your friend does decide to get out of the relationship, be there for them and let them know that you care and are there for them. Help them make a safety plan.
It is very important to not be judgmental. Even though you might have normal judging reactions inside, keep them to yourself. Even though your intentions may come from the right place, if your friend feels you are judging his/her choices, you may end up driving them away. A young woman shared her story with us about her abusive high school boyfriend. One of the most important things she remembers is the support of her friends. They always told her how they felt about her boyfriend, but that as long as she was with him, they would always be with her. However, you may decide that you can’t be in this friendship anymore, and it is important to take care of yourself. You can get the support that you will need from Shalom Bayit or a trusted adult.
What is going on in the mind of an abuser, psychologically, taking into account that cycles of abuse may have played out earlier in their life.
Abuse is about having power and control over someone else. It is not easy to generalize what is happening in the minds of abusers, as each situation is so vastly different. Ultimately, we may never know what is going on in the mind of an abuser. Through talking to abusers and basic psychology, many have come up with insight about why abusers abuse and what is going on for them inside. Some abusers may not know that the way they are treating their partner is abusive. If someone grows up in a household filled with yelling, hitting, and emotional abuse, that person will grow up thinking that their household is normal; that abuse is normal. When someone is abused as a child they feel a loss of control. Some people believe that the only way to feel in control of oneself is to control another person.
These of course are only hypothesis and again we may never know what is really going on inside the mind of a specific abuser.
I’m in a relationship with someone whose stepfather sexually abused her as a child. It clearly has recurring/resurfacing effects on her that I often feel unable to handle as her boyfriend. I’ve tried to convince her to see a therapist, but she has not gone. The incident is affecting our relationship, as she continually says she “needs me” and that I am her support. However, I don’t know how much longer I want to be in the relationship, but I feel responsible, as I do care about her greatly and don’t want her to be as sad as she says she would be without me. I don’t know if there’s anything to be done really, but I’m very conflicted on the issue.
Your support for your girlfriend is very exemplary, as is your awareness of the challenges in your relationship. Ultimately, you need to take care of yourself before taking care of others, and if your relationship is draining and no longer satisfying, it might be healthier for your well-being to end it.
It may not be clear at this moment, but your girlfriend’s “needing” you may turn into an unhealthy longing and possessiveness. Since it seems that you and your girlfriend have very good communication, you may want to discuss this potential issue with her and express your concern.
Also let your girlfriend know that not all therapists are the same. Have her be referred by a friend or a doctor to a highly regarded therapist or clinic. Without a space for her to really talk about the deep rooted issues around her abuse she may never be able to truly heal.
Continue to be there for your girlfriend as much as you can while still taking care of yourself – she has been through a lot and trusts you and your relationship with her. Just make sure to keep in touch with yourself and to trust your instincts. If the relationship ends up making you more unhappy then not, it may actually become harder for you to support her in the ways that she needs. Ultimately, it is important that she learn how to not only seek support from the outside, but to learn how to support herself.
Wornick Day School, June, 2005
What does emotional abuse mean to you between spouses?
Any abusive relationship can involve emotional abuse, but every person will experience it slightly different. Emotional abuse can be very hard to define and recognize and often goes unnoticed by others. There are no physical, recognizable scars. Often times, abuse survivors say that the emotional abuse they experienced was more painful than the physical abuse.
Here are some examples of types of emotional abuse:
Why so often do people turn to the man as being the “bad guy”?
If I understand correctly, the questioner is asking why men are always portrayed as the “bad guy” as opposed to women ever being the bad ones. We are brought up in a society that teaches men to be aggressive and women to be passive. This is often the way that men and women are portrayed in the media (movies, TV, ads, etc.) Also, in our society men have dominant culture power, meaning that in many situations they have more power. When someone has power, they have more opportunity to abuse that power (use it to control someone or the situation.) That is not to say that they will. When there is physical violence happening in a heterosexual relationship, 95% of the time the man is the abuser. You have to remember also that men and women’s bodies are built differently. Men tend to have more physical strength then women, especially upper body strength.
None of this is meant to say that women don’t abuse too, because they do. Abuse happens in LGBT (lesbian, bisexual, gay, transgender) relationships at the same rate as it does in heterosexual relationships which mean that women are also abusing other women and men are also abusing other men. Women can also abuse men and children.
How do you keep a friendship from one end of the bay to another?
Long distance friendships and relationships can be very hard. They can sometimes take a lot more work and effort. A lot of this depends on the two people involved. If both people are willing to make the effort, how they are going to go about making it work is up to those individuals. Sometimes it might take setting up a schedule of good times to talk on the phone and/or looking ahead at schedules to see when both people can get together. If having a parent drive all the way from one place or another is too hard, consider meeting halfway. The effort put in might take a lot of compromising, sacrificing, time and patience. But, if both people want to, they can make it work.